A Few Things

I've been thinking about a lot lately. Three main things, really. 1 - Life on Hold. 2 - Selflessness. 3 - Church.

1 - Life on Hold

My life is on hold right now. There are just certain things that I can't plan or think about because of our situation with Layla. It's pretty frustrating. It's hard to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans, not knowing if we will have had Layla, or if I'll still be pregnant. It's hard to think past January, when Layla's due. We have no idea what life will be like after that. A good friend sent us a card and in it he said, "Through this, you will forever be changed and change those around you." Bryan and I said this is so true! And we pray that this will help change or grow those around us, somehow.

2 - Selflessness.

Being pregnant is a very selfless act. Selflessness is the act of sacrificing ones own interest for the greater good. Sacrificing time for an apt every week, relaxing, being comfortable, planning for the future. Actually, being a mom is a very selfless act. I really enjoyed my pregnancy with Kylie. I know some people have such hard pregnancies. I don't want this to sound boastful, but carrying a baby to term that has the diagnosis of living for an hour is difficult. Deciding to carry Layla wasn't really a question. We knew that we would not terminate no matter the diagnosis, however, while in shock of the news, I didn't realize how difficult it would become. Don't get me wrong, I love Layla. I love what she's doing for our marriage, for our perspective, for our faith. The blessings in the rain. I do have the faith that Layla will live. But, I also know the medical facts. If he chest cavity doesn't grow, her lungs would be able to work how they need to. I'm praying for a miracle, trying not to be specific with God. He already knows what's going to happen. Maybe our miracle is that Layla will be born in January when she's due and live for 3 hours instead of 1. Nobody knows what the miracle will be. I am trying to cherish the time I have with her now.

3 - Church.

Yesterday, I went to 'church'. I worked, but more importantly, I realized that 'church' is so much more than just a pastor talking to people or a building. Church is a community, a family, a support system. I know people say that kind of thing all the time, but I'm experiencing it. To go to a place where someone sees you in the foyer & prays for you, right there. A place where I said, "I don't even want to think about having a funeral for Layla", and my friend says, "Don't talk like that. Maybe you won't need to have one.". Where I met a Dr. through a friend who said, "God does not see the deformities that doctors see. Your baby is perfect to God." A place where I get to see a baby who is a miracle himself, every Sunday. Where a hug from a friend of 10 years, is all you need. A place that is 100 miles away, that is still supporting us through emails, prayers, and cards. Church is so cool!